Away on Business

First of all, let me apologise for my extended absence, which has been inexcusable. Business took me away to Northern Pakistan, where I have spent a good deal of time in the company of a few remarkable gentlemen. I am guessing that the least said about these fellows, the better - especially after a browse through a few newspapers on my return - but I will make mention of a conversation that I had with one chap.

He had just come over the border from Afghanistan, where he had been in a little trouble with the authorities. His own travels had a mystique about them, and he was terribly cagey about dates and times. But one thing was clear: he was a funny guy.

Business meetings were always rough and ready affairs - meetings in my line always are - but the venues kept changing and times were, well, unpredictable. But this man always refused to travel to meet me on account of a very bad leg, and insisted on a location that was incredibly inconvenient and required a journey of half a day each way. I would have refused and returned to more comfortable surroundings except that this fellow was incredibly well connected.

Like most of the educated men that I met in this region, he had been educated in North America in the 70s. For reasons that were never made clear, my associate did not find himself in any of the North Eastern colleges that would have been de rigeur for a man with his background. Instead, he had made it to Berkeley, which afforded him an especially liberal education. As such, we had a great deal in common.

At Berkeley, he had roomed with Lance Ito, who had presided over the O. J. Simpson show trial. Ito had been quite the card at college, and in between attending lectures and seminars, had a hankering for the high life. Since my associate came from a wealthy Saudi background and also - at that time - enjoyed such privileges, Ito was happy to hang out. I was told how Ito would don an aviator cap and goggles on Pearl Harbor Day and run the corridors howling 'Banzai' at the top of lungs. In addition to that, Ito was very fond of attending local bars and hitting on women, bragging about his Ford Mustang. Apparently, it was all he had to brag about.

Anyway, it was during this time that Ito began to see a young girl that attended one of the bars down on Van Nuys. She was barely 16, but since she was the landlord's niece, she would regularly be there, generally playing pool in the backroom with bikers. Ito was besotted and would drag my client down every night, to chat with the girl. More often than not, my client would sit at the bar and watch from a distance while Ito would be politely, yet firmly, rebuffed time after time. On one occasion, however, Ito brought the girl over to meet him. She was the sweetest looking girl, although not the brightest in the room - despite her determined with Ito. Susanna, as she was introduced, chatted politely for a few minutes about nothing before my associate had to walk across the room to pick up some cigarettes from the machine. For some reason, she found this the funniest walk she had seen, on account of his bad leg. Despite Ito's sudden embarrassment and desparate urging for her to be more considerate, she persisted and began to laugh about what it meant to walk like an Egyptian. Both Ito and my client attempted to explain that he was not Egyptian, but Susanna seemed too drunk or too stupid to register the fact.

Cut to 10 years later, my client was in Afghanistan and engaged in fighting against the Soviet forces. Because of the Cold War, my client was - at that time - in regular contact with operatives from a variety of U.S. organisations. His connections with these operatives sometimes became quite close and one would regularly bring different things over with him to amuse my client and support his militias. One of the things, my client often requested was a pack with the Billboard Top 20, which in those days would arrive in a 7" vinyl format. Sitting amongst the mountains, the militias would sit, with an old beat up gramophone, and relax, listening to the sounds and trying to imitate Casey Kasem.

The operative showed up one morning with the latest batch of Top 20 singles, and amongst them was a 7" with a picture that he recognised. It was Susanna along with her band, The Bangles. The song, of course, was 'Walk Like an Egyptian'. This caused my associate a great deal of amusement, who laughed loudly as he told me that scratched onto the vinyl was the message 'for Osama'. As he told me this, he climbed to his feet and did an interpretation of the dance shown in the video.

'Of course,' he said, when he sat down, 'I am not actually Egyptian.'

Of course, none of this actually explains why I have been gone for such a long time. Well, my associates have been known to have some ideas that are a little extreme. I do not share them, it should go without saying, but neutrality is a by-word in my line of work. However, in these troubled times, even neutrality is suspect and so travelling in the region resulted in some unlikely detours and some unlikely misfortunes, even by my standards: a month in a hotel (if you could call it that) outside Kabul, six weeks in a Thai health spa ('no prostitute today, thanks'), getting caught up in a Bollywood picture - 'Anannas Ishti-al' (watch out for my bit part!) , and two weeks at Border Control in China (read prison). Any or all of these could form some part of future True Life Adventures, but for now I will leave you with the comforting knowledge that I am safe at home again now. So hopefully, I will be able to tell you another story soon.

چيزهاى كنارى يا ثانوى